Going to Therapy (er, um, critiques)

My critiques in this program have been like going to therapy. Maybe not “like” going to therapy. Just going to therapy. Pretty pricey therapy sessions. 

The first time I experienced this, it knocked the wind out of me, immediately. I couldn't speak; I was stunned, grateful, overwhelmed, fighting back tears welling up from somewhere deep in my guts. It had never happened before, and I assumed it would never happen again.

The second time it happened was during a group crit. (Maybe group therapy.) At one point, listening to the observations of my peers, I felt a wave of panic rush through me and realized that I was standing naked in front of these people. “Oh, shit. They saw me.” I wanted to hide behind the clothes hanging in my studio. I hoped they didn’t notice.

In both these instances, the work evoked feelings and ideas that I had not intended to address, but were very, very real in my present experience. I didn't want anyone to see those parts of me. The second crit happened a week ago, and I am still making new discoveries and connections based on it. It has been re-playing alongside every thought and conversation and decision I have been making.

I remember, during a highly entertaining lecture, Jerry Saltz encouraging the audience to “Dance naked in public.” I always loved that quote and the bravery of that type of vulnerability, but I don’t think I fully realized the power of that simple statement until now.

What shocked me in the first crit was the immediacy of these very personal statements. “Depression is actually anger that can’t be communicated…There is something more violent about erasing existence than death.” In the second crit, it was the depth to which these issues cut. “It is so feminine, but completely non-sexual… Can the feminine exist without the female?” And in a third crit, “There is an overwhelming absence of the body.” I was floored. And it all started to make perfect sense. I thought of my mother, my grandmother, my sisters, my father, former lovers, my current boyfriend. These bodies. But mostly, I thought of myself. This body. And the bodies around me now as I walk through space.

I felt like I had shared some intimate secret with that critique group. I felt like I trusted them now. They had seen a part of me before I had seen it myself.

Spontaneously, buried things are coming to the surface. It is like my subconscious is reaching up from a dark pit and merging with my conscious thought. That sounds like Freud in an embarrassing, cheesy way.

I am making my own black paintings.

Week One : Insanity

Warning: This post contains an overwhelming amount of scheduling details.

view from the Holiday Inn's Bar near Merchandise Mart

I don’t think I was prepared for the craziness that is Week One. My boyfriend Michael and I left for Chicago early on Thursday morning, spent the night with his family in Michigan, and arrived on campus around lunch time on Friday to pick up my student ID before heading to my new apartment. I unpacked on Friday and did a little bit of exploring my neighborhood that evening. Saturday, we headed down to the Blues Fest in Millennium Park, did some sight-seeing,

figured out the transportation system, and spent a little more time in my neighborhood. It was all good, and I was glad to be there a few days ahead of time so I could get my bearings.

empty studio

Sunday was our studio move-in and orientation. We had a scary-ish safety lecture, general studio guidelines talk, some brief introductions and then a wait for our studio assignments. This took about 2 hours; then we could start moving in to our studios. I had Michael pull the car up to their loading dock in the ally and used the service elevator to get my supplies up in one shot. I headed back to my place to say a very sad goodbye to Michael (as he left for New York) before heading back downtown for my meeting with writing fellows and some unpacking in the studio. It was a busy day, but I managed fine.

breakfast on the beach

Monday was program orientation. I was up early to eat breakfast on the beach as the sun was coming up. I thought it would be a good way to start of my first real day. We had to be downtown by 9 for a couple hours of introductions and opening remarks before splitting up for school wide tours. This got to be a bit grueling. Have I mentioned how enormous the school is? Wear comfortable shoes because this is a lot of walking. I almost considered cutting out early because I already did a basic tour when I was visiting the school, but I hung in to see a few areas that I had missed the first time. We finished around 4:30, just in time for an opening reception they had for us. I stayed for a bit, then headed over to hear an artist lecture happening in the museum that evening. Afterward, I came back to the reception to talk with faculty, fellow students, and sign up for studio visits and artists we would be presenting on. After my half hour train ride home, I was back by 8 and totally exhausted.

We had authorizations scheduled for the next few days. Authorizations are mandatory classes you must take for any shop or specialty equipment you are considering working with. I wanted to leave my options open so I signed up for wood shop, fibers, die cut, 3D scanning, specialty cameras, premiere pro, lighting, and recording device orientations. I wanted to cover all my bases. There were many more options, but my schedule was already filling up in an uncomfortable way. The authorizations were sprinkled throughout the week and made the week extra hectic.

Wood shop was the first and longest on Tuesday. I left the house at 7 to have a little more time to set up my studio before the wood shop orientation at 10. It lasted about an hour and half and went over the basic equipment. We had to make cuts on the band saw, chop saw, and table saw before being “authorized.”

As a writing fellow, I had to meet with my philosophy class to introduce myself and explain my role working one-on-one with them throughout the short semester. I would review 7 writing samples per week and the students would sign-up for time slots to meet with me. I worked with two three week classes of undergrads—Intro to Philosophy and a class on Existentialism. It was a good opportunity to learn more about these areas. As writing fellows, we are “common readers” which means that even though we are not experts in the subjects, the papers that students are writing are still accessible to us, and we can provide writing feedback about forming arguments, supporting their claims and organizing their thoughts.

Next up was our first class in Professional Practice from 1-4:30. This was packed with more introductory information about the services available on campus. By now, I was on complete information overload. I’m not sure how much I actually retained.

We had a break to hit the studio or grab dinner before meeting for a reading and discussion by Nathanael from 6-7:30.  Another packed day but I was home by 8:30, exhausted again.

Wednesday had me nervous because we had a screening scheduled for 10 pm, and I was still unsure about taking trains so late. I packed a small overnight bag in case I needed to crash in the studio. I left the house by 9am to get to my first 10am art history course Attention. Class went til 12:30. Fiber authorization at 1. Doctor’s appointment at 2:30 for school immunizations. Trip to the health office. Realized I lost my phone. Tracked it down at the doctor’s office. Met with my adviser and my critique group from 5-7:30 to check out everyone’s work. The screening was bumped up to 9pm for the evening and we were out by 11:30. You guessed it. I was exhausted. I knew I had to be back on campus for my 10am class in less than 12 hours. By this time, I was so frustrated at the non-stop schedule. I knew I had to present my work to my crit group on Friday, and I had barely had time to do any work. I was upset, frustrated, and tired. So I decided to crash at the studio. This is not technically allowed or encouraged, but we do have 24 hr access to the studio so I figured one night couldn’t hurt. I grabbed the couch cushions from the common area and laid a camping mat over top and passed out.

I was up at 6 on Thursday to eat and get a little work time in before my art history class at 10. Class went til 12:30 with a short break before Professional Practices from 1-3:30. I picked up my first round of papers from philosophy students, and decided I needed to get home, eat an actual meal, chill out, and refocus. I was home by 6 for the first time all week. I ate, read through some philosophy papers, started reading for next week’s art history homework and was in bed by 10. Hurray! I needed that.

3D Scanning

Friday morning at 9 was my favorite authorization. It was for 3D scanning which was super cool. Afterwards I had a little bit of time to set up for my group crit later in the day. I had a plotter cutter authorization at 2, a quick meeting with my philosophy teacher, group crits from 4-5:45, Josiah McElheny’s artist lecture from 6-7:30. Grabbed food with a couple girls, then headed home.

Saturday is colloquium from 10-4. So no sleeping in. It went quicker than I expected and was pretty interesting. More on that in another post. More work in the studio. Then home to read for class.

Sunday I slept in and made myself a big breakfast. I did laundry and cleaned, which felt great and normal. I stopped by the farmers market for a gluten-free cookie before heading downtown around noon. I wanted to spend a good chunk of time in the studio prepping for my one-on-one visit with Josiah on Monday. (More on how that went later.)

I was intimidated. As I arrived at the studio, I ran into two classmates who had just had their meetings with Josiah. They were visibly frazzled and on their way to get a drink. I overheard him with another student. There were tears. This did not calm my nerves. I wanted my meeting to go well so I focused on getting as much work done as possible. I worked til 8:30. It was the first time in a long time that I had spent 8 uninterrupted hours working in the studio. It felt amazing. Finally. And exciting.

That 8 hours would have to hold me over for the next week as well. Things were just as busy the next week. There were many moments when I asked, “When do I get to make art?” That part was very frustrating, especially since it’s only a six week program. One thing to remember though is that grad school, especially for low-res students is about more than being in your studio. It’s about the connections you are making, feedback, and all sorts of growing and stretching. Hang in there. They keep you so busy, but you do actually get studio time. Things settle down a little after the first two weeks of authorization nightmares.

Some advice about authorizations. Try to be very selective with what you choose the first week. You are only here for 6 weeks. You will not have time to play with all the cool equipment that SAIC offers. AND there will be other opportunities for you to get authorized if you really need to be. There is already so much to do the first week and sooooo much new information. I’d pick your top 2-3 areas for authorizations.

Packing

We had great weather in Chicago this year, but I was told it was very mild compared to most. That said, when it comes to packing here are a few things to consider.

1)      The rooms are freezing. SAIC air conditioning bills must be through the roof, because even on cool days, the AC runs in the low to mid 60's. Most of us were always cold and some of the girls would pile on scarves, sweaters, hats, and even blankets. You might think that since it’s summertime, you wouldn’t need warm clothes, but you will need a sweatshirt for sure. You will spend more time in AC than outdoors. Layers are a good idea too since you might go from a 60 degree classroom to a 90 degree walk home.

2)      Rain showers can be a daily occurrence. Since we are right on the lake, the chance for precipitation is high. City life involves a bit of walking so an umbrella is a must. I also brought my rain boots and practically wore them out. Even on nice days, there might be a passing shower on your way to class or the train.

3)      There is a lot of walking/schlepping things around campus. Bring comfy shoes, and definitely something with a covered toe for any work in the shops. Leave the heels and stilettos at home.

4)      Do a bit of research about what’s available on campus in terms of your studio supplies/gear.  There is a ton of technology to rent out like projectors and cameras, sound recorders, speakers, but you can only take it out for a few days at a time. You can NOT rent out laptops, which stinks. There are also lots of tools in the shops, but it’s a good idea to bring some basics like a screw gun, hammer, tape measure, or any equipment you will need quick access to. You will be expected to paint your floor and walls in the studio at the end of the summer so a roller and cover might be a good idea if you have one handy. (If not, you can borrow or get one from Target for $10.) Dick Blick, Staples, Office Max and Target are a short block away if you need art supplies or general supplies in a pinch. Many of the shops on campus stock supplies like wood and metal and basic hardware too. This cuts down on the amount of hauling you have to do.

5)      Depending on your living situation and your tolerance to humidity, you might want to bring a small fan. We had a few really humid days and the AC in my apt wasn’t the greatest. The fan was a big help.

6)      If you are driving and have room, bring some cooking essentials. This will save you money. I brought things like olive oil, lunch bags, sponges, coffee filters, my favorite wooden spoon, a small pot and pan that I already had at home. Your time is very limited, but if you plan right, you can make some of your food for the week. This will keep you fueled up and not break the bank any more than you already are by choosing SAIC. There is (or at least there was) a fridge, microwave, coffee pot, and toaster at the studio to help out with those of us bring meals to the studio.

7)      In general, I am a fan of the idea that less is more. You are here for 6 weeks and they are jam-packed with things to do. You barely have time to eat during the first week. I’d suggest that you don’t need to bring your whole wardrobe, but consider a couple key comforts. For me, that happened to be a beach blanket and my down comforter. They took up slightly more room, but I downsized some other areas like wardrobe and shoes.

Planes, Trains, and Automo-ubers (and bikes and buses) : Getting Around Chicago

I had considered bringing my car, and I probably could have here in Roger's Park. Since I’m on the beach there are a lot of paid parking spots in the lot that are free from 8pm to 8 am. All the streets nearby are free parking, but there is occasional street cleaning and you have to be on the lookout for posted signs so you know when to move your car. My boyfriend came out with his car for a week and had no trouble finding free parking.

Parking in the loop, however, is not the best idea. It’s tough to find street parking and garages are outrageous. Street parking is only free on Sunday. If you’re there during certain times in the winter, they don’t even have street parking. SAIC’s campus is right along the park and there are tons of events and festivals all summer that make parking even more of a hassle. So just take the train.

The train system is so easy. I’m on the red line north which is a pretty safe, clean ride. The CTA uses the Ventra system. You “purchase” a credit card looking thing (Ventra card) for $5 from a vending machine at the el (elevated train) entrance. Once you register it online with Ventra, they credit you the $5 in train fare. Registering is a good idea because if your card is lost or stolen, you can have your balance transferred to a new card. The card is a swipeless card. You just tap it at the train turnstile or kiosk on the bus for entrance.

Full time fall/spring SAIC students have the option of paying SAIC $100 for a UPass which is unlimited riding trains and buses for the whole semester. Awesome deal, but low res and summer students do not get this option yet, nor do we qualify for reduced fares. 

Since we are a six week program with class pretty much every day, even weekends, the best option for daily riders for our 6 weeks is to buy one 30 day pass ($100 in 2014) and two 7 day passes ($28 each). This works out if you are using the train to and from school every day. You save even more if you’re an explorer taking the train multiple times a day. If you figure train fare is $4.50 round trip ($2.25 each way on train, $2.00 on bus, .25 for transfers) and you do that once a day for a week, that’s $31.50. So you save $3.50 per week with a 7 day pass ($28) and $35 per month for the 30 day pass if you only averaged one ride a day. More riding would save more money.

Sorry, I just geeked out on that math. I like to save money.

So bus v. train? Some people recommend taking the bus after dark instead of the train because you never have to worry about being alone on a train car or alone with a creepo on a train car since the bus driver is always there. I much prefer the train because it’s faster and stops at every stop, every time. With the bus you have to pull the cord for your stop or they might pass it. I’ve ridden the train as late as 1:00 in the morning from Chinatown to Roger’s Park with no issue, but that was on a weekend when there are more people out. Busses stop running around 10:30/11. The Red Line runs 24 hours.

As far as what other lines are like, I haven’t ridden them all, but I hear it can be a little scarier going south or west. I rode the green, pink, brown, and blue. They were all fine, but the trains were noticeably older.

Plenty of people bike as an alternative. If you live near the water, you can pretty much take the bike path along the parks until you get to Millennium Park and have to go into town. You can also take bikes on the el or the bus. I heard through the grapevine that there are some bike shops that will rent bikes for longer periods of time. 

There are also Divvy bike stations all over the loop (similar to citi bikes in NYC) if you are taking quick trips. You can get a $7/24 hr pass by swiping your credit card at the the kiosk. This gives you unlimited 30 minute rides all day, kiosk to kiosk. It would be good for an exploring/touristy day or a quick trip. If you live close to a a Divvy bike station that is less than a 30 minute ride to campus, this would work out well for you also since you could park at the Divvy station along the park. You could get the$75 pass and take the bike instead of the train. Anything over 30 minutes adds a couple bucks per half hour; so if you're more than a 30 minute bike ride, it wouldn't work out to save money.  You can get a yearly membership for something like $75 which gives unlimited 30 minute rides and smaller fees for longer trips.

If you’re ever considering a cab for one of those areas that’s harder to get to by train (cough…Pilsen), consider using Uber which is pretty much a social media cab. You can download the app, type in your destination, and get a price for a fare. If you accept, the transaction goes through paypal, no money is actually exchanged. You are sent the cabbie’s license plate number (he’s in a regular, unmarked car)and wait for him to pick you up. From main campus, 4 of us took an Uber to Pilsen for $7. Our friends who took a regular cab were charged $15. I suppose the big question people have about Uber is safety. The drivers undergo an extensive background check to be a part of Uber, but if you’re skeptical skip it or go in a big group.

If you need to rent a car for the day, check out zip cars. There are stations all over the city and you can rent by the hour. This might be handy if you are hauling some large materials from one end of town to the other.

If you’re flying in, there are trains to O’Hare (blue line) and Midway (orange line).

It’s pretty easy to get around Chicago. I was comfortable with trains already, but if you’re not used to it, do a little research. You’ll be fine after a few days.